Episode 075 Brynta Ponn: Healing The War With Our Body
Episode 075 Brynta Ponn: Healing The War With Our Body
In this episode we sit down with....Brynta Ponn.
Brynta Ponn is a body acceptance advocate and content creator from Toronto, ON. She encourages others to live unapologetically and embrace their bodies through honest conversations and comedic content. Her goal is to stop the war we have going on with our bodies and to prove it is possible show ourselves kindness in all our forms.
In this conversation we talk about:
The secrecy of eating disorders
Brytna's personal rebirth of self and her first cycle breaking moment
Honesty about wedding dresses & body image
Practical tips for bad body image days and finding peace with the body you are in
How prioritizing her relationship with her body played a role in her romantic relationship
All about Brynta's digital platform and the space she has curated through humor
Connect with our guest...
IG: @bryntstagram
Tik Tok: @bryntaponn
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TRANSCRIPTION
Episode 075 Brynta Ponn: Healing The War With Our Body
Katelyn:
All right, Brynta Ponn- hi, nice to meet you.
Brynta:
Nice to meet you. Thank you so much for having me.
Katelyn:
I am so grateful to have you. And I am so excited about everything that we are about to get into and can't wait to hear your first body awareness moment- like we were just talking about this is something that we ask everybody who comes on the show, but just like we were saying, it is one of those moments where so many of us have buried it really deep down. And it's hard to recognize sometimes. So since you had some time to think about this, I'd love to hear- what did that moment look like for you? That moment where you realized I'm in a body and this means something in the world that I'm living in. Just paint the picture for us and also your body image story- how did that moment impact your relationship with your body and or food moving forward?
Brynta (body image story):
Oh, my gosh, I love this question so much. It's 100% like a little therapy session and makes you sort of uncover things that I personally, like you said buried very deep, that I probably would have never thought of, you know, I was never asked this question. But it's just so important to uncover, especially as we grow up. And as we have these changing relationships with our bodies. For me, personally, I was very young, in this first sort of moment with my body when I recognized that this body was capable, and it took me places and I had to take care of it. But unfortunately, that awareness came young, but that was more of a negative awareness. You know, my story when it came to sort of recognizing my body and appreciating my body came a little bit later. And I would say that came in like my early 20s, when I really recognized that, you know, this body doesn't need to exist for me to just lose weight in it, or you know, need to change all the time, this is you know, a journey and I can exist and I can be and I can be totally happy in it. But when I was younger, I remember specifically having this one body image awareness moment where, you know, I was always a skinny athletic kid, I was running around, I was always outside. But I lived in a neighborhood with you know, predominantly, just like people who didn't look like me. You know, I was one of the very few girls of color. And everyone had different body types and body shapes and body colors like that work like mine. And I remember having friends that were always so much skinnier than me, that would always be able to eat more than I could or like, you know, weren't more as athletic than I was. And I just remember going shopping with them once at a really young age, and seeing their sizes be like zero or double zero. And mine was like a two or like a four- those being the Canadian sizes. And just sinking inside and recognizing oh my god, that was my first awareness of like, Oh my god, I'm bigger. Like we're doing the same things, we're eating the same things, we're participating in the same activities, for the most part, but I'm bigger. And for some reason, it was that negative association with that number that sort of spiraled me into this negative body image and in just a very, very long standing relationship with my body that went into you know, diet culture, and starving and depriving my body. So that was like the awareness moment. And I you know, as much as I love it, as much as I would have loved if it was, you know, more positive. Unfortunately, for me, it just wasn't. But it certainly taught me. And when I got to that moment in my 20s I would call it almost like a rebirth, if you will. And I've just sort of re-recognized my body as something more than just something that needs to lose weight, or it needs to change all the time. I think I would pick that moment in my 20s over that moment of sort of insecurity when I was younger. So it's a little bit complicated. For me, there was one aha moment. But in recognizing my body. I was definitely in my 20s and I definitely was just sort of sick of the journey I took my body on for so long. So that's how I got here.
Katelyn:
Well, I'm curious, your first body awareness moment when you were in, in that moment of comparison and shopping and looking at the friends that you were with and the size of the clothing and everything. How old were you if you don't mind me asking.
Brynta:
Oh, I was young. I was like I think of a time I moved around a lot. I was younger, I must have been in like grade six or seven.
Katelyn:
Oh my god, Brynta, we literally have the same body awareness. Oh my god. Yes, and I've shared this before. But it's, it's so interesting because mine was, you know it. It showed up in little ways before then. But the very distinct moment where I realized, Oh shit, I'm different, like my body is different. And also, this is something that we're talking about as well, too. Like, this is something to pay attention to, was back to school shopping, going into sixth grade with my best friends. And also Yeah, it was one size difference, but it was just enough, especially when everything else felt so uncertain and out of control, you know, pivoting. And from your story, if you moved around a lot as well, too, that makes a lot of sense, just the uncertainty and lack of being able to have that stability, I'm sure. kind of made it a little bit more appealing to grab onto something that you felt more in control of. So how did that play a role? You mentioned diet culture? How did the two overlap? And you don't have to get specific if you're wanting to but how did you find yourself trying to manipulate your body? Were you keeping it a secret? Were you talking with people about it? Was it like a conversation that you and your girlfriends or your family was having often? Or was it something that you were just kind of keeping to yourself moving forward.
Brynta:
So when I was that young, and that, you know, especially going into like my teenage years, I found that I was very like, isolated, and that I wasn't surrounded by people, but just more so in that I'd never really fit in, never really had real friends. So I felt like I really didn't have anyone to talk to. But I thought that, you know, and taking the measures to look a certain way, I would fit in more, and it would make them more accepted. And people would like me more. And that's sort of how I came to the decision to just start depriving my bodies or starving my body. I remember taking or getting, you know, homemade lunches from my mother and just dumping them like I didn't think twice about it, they were thrown into the garbage can. I was starving. But my body was so used to it. Like I'd have blackout periods where I couldn't see anything and faint. I mean, my body was reacting and telling me that it needed more, but I wasn't listening. To me this idea of being accepted and wanting to fit in and wanting to be liked- it was just a priority over everything. So I didn’t know what the word diet culture was, I didn't know what the word eating disorder was. But I was very much part of it. And I was very much influenced by what the media was showing me, you know, when we didn't have social media back then. But we had, like, magazines, and you know, obviously Easy Canada and all those things that sort of prioritize the way these female celebrities in particular looked. And you know, back then it was the low rise jeans, very skinny, skinny, skinny, you know, celebrities that were very prominent at the time. But everyone just sort of wanted to look like and so, you know, I was very heavily influenced by that. I just wanted to, again, fit in and wanted to be accepted. And even though I didn't know the definitions of these things, I look back now and I say to myself, well, I can't believe that I ever did that to my body.
Katelyn:
Yeah, it's interesting that you mentioned isolation, like just being isolated, but also having this really deep desire to be liked and accepted and to fit in, like you're, like you're expressing in your story. And the, you know, the interesting correlation, as you know, I'm sure is eating disorders thrive in isolation. And so it's like this vicious cycle that we put ourselves in where we so badly want to be liked. But it's limiting us from really putting ourselves out there authentically to build these meaningful relationships and to give ourselves the opportunity to create friendships that feel really good and nourishing. So how did that look for you and your own journey? Were you able to develop friendships, especially with moving around so much and I also know that you mentioned you were an active kid as well, too. Were you playing team sports? What did your social circle look like growing up in conjunction with your eating disorder?
Brynta:
So I played a little bit of basketball. I remember running a lot of relay and track, which is ironic now because you can't get me to run. I remember being like, I love being outside and I love riding bikes. And I knew the association with, you know, moving your body and losing weight. So, you know, as much as I love these activities a part of me was sort of doing it, because I knew that it would help me, you know, scale down my, my fat, the fat on my body that I thought I had or scale down in my sizing. And the truth was like, for my frame, at the time, I was underweight. Like, I remember my aunt weighing me and doing the calculations and saying that I was underweight. And it didn't matter to me, because I wasn't a certain size. And that was really all that I was, that I was really focused on. So, you know, even as I participated in all these different activities, with all these people surrounding me, it didn't really matter that I had people around me, you know, whether I was social with them or not. The focus for me, above all else, was this number, on the scale and on my clothing. So it never really, it almost, and I think back now, and I'm sort of almost embarrassed by this, but I remember like, wanting people to see me throw away my lunches. So that, you know, because I thought that that was cool. Like, you know, not eating lunch was cool. And like, you know, being skinny was cool. And it was, it was always like a trend. So, you know, being surrounded by all these people, whether I was you know, in school at lunchtime, or like to attract me, it didn't really matter to me, if somebody saw me not eating or saw me doing that, again, the priority for me was just that one number.
Katelyn:
Did anybody ever make a comment about some of the behaviors? Or were you ever confronted about your eating disorder?
Brynta:
I remember this one particular scenario where we were in elementary school. And there was a food fight going on. I know, it's so cliche. There was a food fight going on. And somebody threw grapes at me. And one of the grapes got stuck in my collarbone. And I remember that person who threw their grapes, like pointing it out. And they were like, oh, my God, you're so skinny that it's stuck in your collarbone. And I like to laugh it off. And it wasn't a moment of concern by them. It was just sort of a note of how skinny I was. But to me, that was a good thing. And I took that as like, oh my god, I'm doing the right thing. So it's sort of further those behaviors. I don't think my parents ever really noticed that I wasn't eating or that I wasn't. I was throwing away food. And I remember having those conversations, I was very good at it. Very good at lying. I was good at pushing my food around when I was home to make it look like I was eating. And, you know, I don't think anybody really knows this. No.
Katelyn:
Yeah. Yeah, I have, I also have a similar experience as well, too. I was really, really good at hiding it. And I appreciate you sharing this so honestly, because this is so important. This conversation is so important, and just really brings to life the secrecy of eating disorders, especially, you know, there is not one way that an eating disorder looks. It shows up in all different shapes and sizes and cultures and just people in general. And so it's so unfortunate, too, because like you're sharing, it's a lifetime and a but for the first part of your life, struggling with this silently and keeping it to yourself.
Brynta:
Oh, yeah. I think that sort of further than it feels that because, for me, I mean, maybe not for everybody, for me personally, I was doing it as a means to get attention as a means to fit in and be accepted. And so when nobody really noticed, it sort of lit a fire under me, oh my god, I have to do more. I have to make it known, and as much as I love not having to explain myself, I think a part of me also wanted someone to be concerned or someone to say something to the fact that it validated me in some way and that's sort of the mental aspect of of these disorders and these behaviors is that nobody really realizes that you know, it's a physical thing, but stems from an emotional and a mental place. So I feel like if at the same time If somebody has said something, or if I've been speaking to somebody, even at a young age, maybe would have opened my eyes a little bit more, because I was like, now I can't ever imagine doing that, or I can't ever imagine how I let myself get that far. But it was these conversations with people I think we have to sort of be a little bit more aware of and, you know, encourage those conversations a little bit more closely, we noticed the tiniest thing, somebody that we care about.
Katelyn:
Well, you know, what's so interesting about your story, and just the the conversation of eating disorders, and isolation and control on all of these themes that we're bringing up is, I’m really hearing your desire for wanting to fit in, wanting friendships, wanting to be seen, and also the friendship that so many of us and it sounds like you did, the friendship that you find in your eating disorder, because it's always there. And the disorder in that mindset. Overall, you know, and how comforting it is in a disordered way. Because it I mean, it really does fuel that need psychologically in a really detrimental way.
Brynta:
Oh, my God, I love that you word it like that, like friendship and eating disorder. Like That was my that was really my only friend back then that was really, you know, the thing that I leaned on and, you know, confided in, and the thing that made me feel better, and it it's such an emotional way to put it because it replaces something that nobody should really have to go without, which is that connection with people. But it's just such a sad thought to think of. But I love that you put it that way. Because Yeah, that's something that we lean on.
Katelyn:
So let's turn the page and go into the next chapter of your story. So you mentioned that you reached this next really pivotal moment- that rebirth, which I love that you call it Brynta. And I actually wrote down rebirth in my journal yesterday, so I love the synchronicity of it, so beautiful, but you mentioned it wasn't one single moment. So I'm curious what do you feel like facilitated this rebirth for yourself? What were some things that you can kind of look back on in hindsight and recognize were contributing to this time in your life and, and this change?
Brynta:
Um, I think maybe just as I got older, this just gaining a little bit more of like, perspective of my body, like you, you always look back at pictures of yourself and think, wow, I can't believe I thought I was fat, or I can't believe I ever looked or thought this way about myself. So I have a lot of those moments. And, you know, in the process of remembering my early 20s, trying to lose weight for like, the 100th time. And you know, finally gaining it back, I just had this sort of aha moment of, okay, starving my body and working out is not working, the prime, my body is not working. And this is like the 100th time I've learnt this lesson. So doing these repetitive things that just weren't helping me and weren't getting the results that I needed, finally took me to the point of okay, I'm gonna try something different. I'm gonna try listening to my body. And it took me years and years and years, I mean, I wasn't like, it wasn't until I was like, 26 or 27 years old, but I finally got to a place of like, okay, I can listen to my body and feed it without feeling guilty. And you know, I'm not at a weight that would be socially acceptable. I don't look like the models on TV, or, you know, television or movies. But it's okay for me to still accept and love this body. And I think I just got to this really frustrating place of just not wanting to be at war with my body anymore, because it just took such a mental and emotional, physical toll on me that I was just sort of at my breaking point. And I got up to the point, and this was like, the big moment for me, where it sort of all just, shit just sort of hit the fan where I was like, I have to buy a wedding dress, and I've put it off for as long as I possibly could. I finally got to the day of, you know, my meeting to go by that wedding dress and I thought, I cannot ruin this moment. Based on what I've been thinking for the last two decades, I need to do better, I need to feel better, and I want to enjoy this moment. I want it to be a great memory and I have control over that situation. And so I walked into that dress, sort of shopping day and was like okay, I'm gonna focus on other things. I'm gonna think about you know, the people that I'm with, and the style of dress that I like, and I'm not gonna make it about my body. And I was really proud of myself for not making it about my body for the first time ever. And once I saw that was possible for me, it just sort of ignited a flame. It was like, okay, I can do this, I can exist, and not make everything about my body, I can, you know, I had a big breakfast that morning. And I was so proud of myself for doing that. Because normally, you know, I probably wouldn't have done that. So it was really that moment that helped me take control over, you know, every situation in my life, where I sort of made it about the experience rather than my body.
Katelyn:
Oh, my God, I love this. Love this part of your story. This is so powerful. And I know so many people, myself included, are going to hear this and really resonate. And what's so interesting is this is you facing your fear in the moment. And, yeah, so much of our body struggles and all of these things that we're talking about right now really stems down to this fear of things changing, or not being able to survive the fear of the change, and not being able to actually get to a place where we can feel at peace or neutral, we just think it's going to catastrophize everything and snowball and create even more chaos in our life. And so we try to play small without actually doing the thing that's going to serve us. And this is actually such a great example of you, retraining that neural pathway and forming this new belief system, about your relationship with your body like this is such a clear example of that which is so necessary for healing our relationship with our body and food too.
Brynta:
I love it. I didn't even really realize I was facing my fears, or anything like that, or that I was overcoming or, you know, trying to change that pattern that I was in for so long. I just, for me, it was a very emotional moment, it was just me wanting a moment of peace. For just one second, like just not having these same repetitive thoughts. I love the way you put that because it was the first sort of cycle breaking moment for me. And that was absolutely huge. And you know, other moments with my body have not been as big like, I'm not wedding dress shopping every single week. But I took that feeling and that sense of accomplishment. And what I learned about body neutrality that day, and just sort of spread into other aspects of my life and the moments aren't always perfect. I don't have perfect days with my body every single day. But it certainly is much better. After having that one moment and breaking that cycle button one time. I love that.
Katelyn:
Yeah, you survived, you made it through. And you're still here to tell you know. It's that mode of our brain trying to keep us safe. But you actually going through it and acknowledging I did it and I survived. I'm safe, I can go through this neutrally. And just having that experience for yourself. And like you said, bringing this into all these future moments that aren't necessarily that grand as the experience of wedding dress shopping. But that's amazing. So I want to rewind a little bit before we push forward because I would imagine just from how you're kind of hinting in your story your body is probably changing between this moment of wedding dress shopping and shifting from your adolescence into your young adulthood. So how did you sit with that? How did you navigate some of those changes, and especially getting to this place where you were starting to recognize that maybe you didn't have the language for it, but you were ready to get out of diet culture and start to embrace more of a neutral relationship with your body? How did you sit with some of those uncomfortable changes that your body was going through and just take care of yourself in those moments?
Brynta:
I mean, it certainly wasn't easy. I think the one thing we often forget is when we go from adolescence into adulthood our body changes- no matter what we're gonna weigh more no matter what because we're growing like our body is growing no matter what you do. And so heading into my 20s you know, having a very different body than I you know, my teenage body. It took me by surprise. Definitely didn't handle it well, and I thought that it was something that I could change, even though it wasn't, you know, you can't change the size of when you were a kid. You know, you just can't go back- this is just your body. And so after years of trying to make those physical changes, I ended up again at the end of my 20s just sort of learning to embrace rather than change. So, you know, and one of the biggest things for me was being able to buy clothes that were my size, because I always tried to buy clothing that just didn't fit me because I wanted to wear certain brands, even though they didn't have my size. Or I would buy a smaller size and just, you know, say that I, you know, work out a little bit more, you know, bike a little bit more, I'd fit into it in like, a month or so. So, to be at this point to be buying, you know, double XL, and, you know, not caring about it's double XL, to, you know, being able to wear that dress, because it feels good, and it looks good. And finally fits me right. That is a huge, huge accomplishment for me. And it's something that I had to overcome, you know, gradually and slowly, because my relationship with clothing was, you know, very, very hard to recover, especially as, you know, the industry was very not accepting of bigger bodies. But I definitely feel like it was hard, but attainable, to where I am now.
Katelyn:
Yeah I think this is so valuable. And if somebody is listening to this right now, and they're in this moment, whatever size body they might be in, but they're, they're experiencing very similar things to what you're saying where it's buying clothes that are trying to fit their future body or, you know, a size that doesn't exist right now, rather than embracing their here and now body, what are some tools that you would offer them or, you know, strategy, words of wisdom, just to encourage them to take the next step like, was there a process that you found yourself creating, that gave yourself more comfort in those moments of buying the clothes, whether it was a mindset shift, or a way that you actually bought your clothes for the body that you were in in that moment, any exercises that that you started to adopt that made it more comfortable for your own experience?
Brynta:
I found that buying clothes that fit me really well, sort of helped me overcome the fear of not fitting into clothes, because I love clothes so much. That's just my personal experience. But I love clothing so much. And wanted to wear these clothes so much that I think I was just, you know, emotionally exhausted at this point when it came to clothing, but it sort of helped me overcome any need to want to fit into that smaller size. I remember putting on a double XL dress for the first time in my life. And having it fit me really well. And looking at myself and saying, wow, this is truly beautiful. This looks really good on me and I feel really good and it feels really good to me. So I focus more on the feeling that I get when I wear clothes that make me comfortable, as opposed to what size I'm picking up. So when I go shopping, it's more so do I like the way this looks? And when I put it on do I like the way it feels on me? As opposed to focusing on what the number of a tag size or what size the take is. Because that I mean that can take over everything. It's just that one obsession with what you're wearing, what size you're wearing, can have such a negative effect on your experience to shop. The other thing I did, you know, other than just focusing on the feeling, was when I started to put these clothes on and I didn't feel really comfortable, I bought them and wore them around the house. Just like you know in my room and I take pictures and I started to be a little bit more comfortable with them. And maybe I wouldn't post the pictures. Maybe you know, put them on Snapchat just to show like my friends and they would like hype me up. And you know, it was a sort of those private moments. But I'd wear the clothes and stay in an area where I was comfortable first before going out there into the world because that made me feel like I had the confidence to wear it before I headed out with all of this anxiety surrounding what I was wearing.
Katelyn:
I love that exercise. That's actually an exercise that I do with my clients when we get to this time in their own journey that feels appropriate for them. But this idea of exposure therapy and exposing yourself to clothes that feels scary or sizes that feel scary and then creating habituation around that, like you're saying, in a safe space, so nobody is seeing you, you're in your own environment, that you're in a safe environment and you building this relationship with the clothes that make you feel really good and feel, and give you the opportunity to express yourself without feeling like you have to put it on display for the world to see even if it's going to the grocery store or whatnot. But yeah, it's that it all comes back to safety. And, you know, even with clothes, when our bodies change, that's important. And we have to, it's important for our mental health to create that safety and our emotional health, just like you were saying before, so these are so valuable. Everything that you're sharing is just, it's, it's really resonating. And I think that it's so important, and also, when our bodies change, and we or maybe they don't even change, maybe we're just in the body that we feel like we've been avoiding for so long and buying the size without ever actually changing the size that doesn't actually fit it, but just making peace with the body that that we're in. I mean, these are really great tools for everybody who's listening to adopt into their own toolkit for moving forward. So tell us where you're at right now with your body. And you know, from that moment in the wedding dress shop, and the years following that, what are some things you've learned? How have you become more attuned to your body and your relationship with your body? What are some things that really stand out to you?
Brynta:
It's so funny that you asked not because I was just about to, I wanted to bring up that like, since the day that I bought my wedding dress, I've now picked it up a few weeks ago. And I'm at least 20 pounds heavier, at least 20 to 30 pounds heavier. So I put the dress in my closet, I didn’t even try to put it on. I looked at it, I opened it, I still love the dress, it's been like nine months, I still love it. But I didn't put myself in a place of needing to look a certain way or to weigh a certain amount, I didn't put that pressure on myself to try to adopt this thinking of giving my body a little bit more grace and a little bit more acceptance to be who it is and to exist freely without the need to have to change it all the time. And you know, this moment of having a wedding dress and knowing that I wouldn't fit into it. This could have been really bad for me. This could have sent me absolutely spiraling. So this moment of not putting too much pressure on myself to say, you know, it's okay, I'm out of town right now, I'm not gonna put myself through that, you know, moment of not being able to fit into it. I'm just going to set it up there for a while and give myself time and patience. And when I'm ready. I'll go to work. Not when I'm skinnier. When I'm mentally and emotionally prepared. And if it doesn't fit, I'll find a way I'll make the dress fit me and my body. Fabric exists in the world. Bigger dresses exist in the world. Like it's, it's okay for it not to fit me. And I think just being aware of what my body needs, what I need emotionally, mentally. That's where I'm at right now. When it comes to my relationship with my body, I think just being a little bit more self aware. As opposed to forcing it to be something that it isn’t.
Katelyn:
Yeah, it sounds like you have really let go of the black and white thinking- that all or nothing that so many of us find ourselves in when it comes to our bodies and diet culture and disordered eating or eating disorders in general. Like you're saying this, I mean, I think most people can relate to this, most women can relate to this buying a dress and being like, well, what the hell am I supposed to do, the dress doesn't fit? So I have to change my body to fit the dress, otherwise, it's not going to work- that black and white thought process. But what you're sharing is there are many options to this experience. If the dress doesn't fit, there are other dresses, there's fabric, there are many ways that we can make this work versus just saying I'm changing my body or it's not working at all, which is I mean, again, such a great clear example of so many other things in our life too that relate to this as well.
Brynta:
I love that. Yeah, that's exactly how it is. I think as I get older I have adopted this. It doesn't have to be black and white mentality, not just when it comes to my body when it comes to every aspect of my life. Yeah. And I love thinking of scenarios, literally anything, like just giving everything sort of a gray area doesn't always have to be black and white doesn't have to be one or the other. And I found that, especially as I have conflict with other people, this whole idea of this black and white thinking is sort of thrown out the window, because it gives me a little bit more perspective, that gray area is perspective. And I love that I've adopted that thinking, because it just puts so much less pressure on me. And whatever it is, I'm dealing with, I just love that there's always accommodation or a perspective change that could be had, I love that.
Katelyn:
I love it too. And I feel the same way. It's just so fascinating when we can bring this into so many different areas of our life in general. And it took me so long to get to this place. And it sounds like it's similar for you too but now I look for that shade of gray. You know, I really try to look at the spectrum of things going on in life. And I used to avoid that shade of gray like it was my job. And now I look for it. Because I know I can sit in it. I know I can sit in it and be comfortable. And I actually can be uncomfortable, and I'll still get through it. And I'll still be safe. And it's just, yeah, it's so important. And it's so valuable when we can get to this place of recognition, because it does shift so many things with our relationship with ourselves, you know, not even just food or our bodies, but just our lives. Brynta why is this so important to you? From where you were at the beginning of your story to where you are today- I mean, it just sounds like you've peeled back layers and layers and have this new sense of purpose in your life. So what are some of the things that you are just living for today that bring you back to your why when things start to feel really rocky with your relationship with your body? Or food for that matter?
Brynta:
Oh, that's such a good question. I live by the saying now that you don't have to be at war with your body. Your life is too short to be at war with your body. And I always go back to that saying whenever I have a moment of insecurity or food fear or something, and just go back to like life is too short. Like why? Why can't I have the Oreo? Why can't I, you know, wear this outfit? Why do I have to sit and stay in a place of war or unhappiness or uneasiness? Because what the culture says? Because the media says I have to look a certain way? What's the worst that could happen if I didn't listen to them? What's the worst that could happen if I chose to be happy? And in changing that mindset of again, not having it be black or white, you know, not having to lose weight or hate my body and thinking of this gray area where I can exist and be happy and not need to want to change my body, it just made me happy. That's all it was, it was I gave myself permission to be happy at a time where so many people were telling me that I couldn't be just because I looked a certain way. And so defining those voices gave me the permission to just simply live to just simply exist. And so I hope that other people sort of learned that I know it's not easy, you're not gonna wake up one day and just say, you know, screw everybody but they think but like, eventually it for me, it came in like little baby steps. It came from, you know, getting my myself permission to just eat a cookie, you know, slowly being able to buy a certain outfit, and it just spiraled from there in a really good way. So I hope that people don't see the need to always be upset with themselves or with their bodies. That eventually we can live in this gray area and know that there are more options for us.
Katelyn:
What do you do on bad body image days? You know, we're not immune to that, diet culture is all around us. So when you wake up on the side of the bed that is perhaps in more of a negative tone around your body, how do you take care of yourself on those days?
Brynta:
I listen to my body. I've learned that when I wake up and I look in the mirror and I have those days, I'm like, okay, maybe we'll do a little bit of mirror work. And normally that helps. Mirror work for me is just being able to look at myself and speak to myself and remind myself of what I'm capable of, what I can do and what this body gives me. I think it's so important. It's something I do often and sometimes no I'm not completely happy and comfortable that way. But on bad body days, often I wear clothes and even that little gesture of love and listening to my body. And what that means during my time out of grace really, really helps. So I do a lot of mirror work. And again, going back to listening to my body, I listened to what it means if I'm having a bad body, they, they and I want you to burger, I'm gonna eat a burger. I'm not going to hate myself and continuously repeat that cycle of depriving my body. Just because I have a certain day, I try not to sit in those feelings. I try to just live, if that makes sense. So you know, go about my day as much as I can, as much as I can. And continue to listen to just listen to my body throughout that day.
Katelyn:
Yeah, keep moving forward. You know, it's so funny or interesting rather, some of the vocabulary that is so tightly wound within us. I'm not hearing you mentioned at all, by the way, but it's just when you're explaining this, I'm thinking of oh, yeah, that mindset of setbacks, this is going to set me back or this is going to derail me or, you know, I'm, I'm failing or having a cheat day. And, you know, I look at that now and I think that's impossible. Like there's, there's literally no way we can move backwards in our life, we can only move forward. And that's been really helpful for me just acknowledging the vocabulary and how I'm talking to myself on those days. First of all, what's the intention? What are you trying to achieve here, as you're saying which I absolutely love. It's just, life is so much more than our bodies. And so yeah, why do we feel the need to prioritize our worth and our value with our bodies on those negative days, and also to remember our core values on those days and to move forward. And I love the mirror exercise that you're sharing too, like, really just getting honest, and looking at the mirror and looking at yourself and speaking kindly to yourself on those days and wearing clothes that fit you that make you feel comfortable. Yeah. That's, that's huge. It's so important. And it's so valuable. I appreciate you sharing that.
Brynta:
I love and I love that you asked that question, too. I think that's something that a lot of us need to hear.
Katelyn:
I think, you know, I think it is too. And I also think that everybody has a different way of navigating those days as well so I’m always curious what's in everybody's toolbox for those days, especially because it's just bullshit to think that we're never going to have those days, especially in the intuitive eating and body positive space, or body acceptance space or whatever. That doesn't mean that we're immune from these negative days. That means that they're hopefully farther and fewer between than when we're in that negative disordered space and diet culture, but they're still going to show up. So what's in your toolkit when you actually arrive at one of those days? And I always, I always value what everybody brings to that question as well, too.
Brynta:
I love the word you use, toolkit, too.
Katelyn:
I do too, I have a lot of tools in mind. And it just keeps growing and growing. It's like a little garden at this point. So I wasn't planning on taking the conversation this way, but this is kind of coming to mind. And what I love to hear from you is just your relationship with your partner and the experience of this wedding and how your relationship with your body fits into intimacy, and you know, whatever you're, you're comfortable sharing there. But was that something that you felt like you had to navigate? How does your body play a role in the love that you've defined with the person that you're with, if at all? Like, what does that look like for you? I'm sure that shifted so much.
Brynta:
Oh, I love this question. So when I first met Ian, we were 19 when we started dating. I have changed and grown so much since that time. I remember when we first met, I was in the sort of peak of, you know, two day workouts and diving and the pride of my body and I lost a lot of weight and throughout the relationship I gained it all back. And so he's sort of seen every side of that. And I think it's really important, especially as you go on this journey. I'm really, I guess, weird to some people. But when you're struggling with your body and with diet culture in general, I think it's really important to really humanize how your partner or the person that you're dating, reacts to your reaction. Because that's going to be key in what helps you because this is the person you're going to have to live with. And it can make or break your situation if he wasn't as, you know, understanding or supportive as he is, I certainly would not have been where I am today. Because it's just, it's, again, my need for acceptance, my need to be skinny when I was younger, and you know, this craving for that sort of, what's the word that I'm looking for? For approval? Certainly, I would not have been able to get over that if I didn't have someone who was so calm and patient with me. You really want to pay attention, I think to who you surround yourself with, especially as you enter into relationships. It was hard for me because as we were living together, he definitely has different habits than I do, especially when it comes to food. So I had to sort of navigate that like, okay, now I'm living with this person who doesn't want to eat the healthy things that I want to eat, doesn't, you know, focus on workouts as much as I do? How do I prioritize myself and my needs for my body to be the best version of myself without falling back and spiraling back into my binge eating disorder, or, you know, these unhealthy habits that I had previously, that really, really triggered me. And having those conversations with who you're living with who your partner is, it's very important that transparency is very important. I think that they need to know what you're going through, because they can't, I mean, how would he know what not to bring into the house? Or what triggers me if I didn't say that to him? So I was I mean, I was really lucky that I could have those sort of conversations with the person that I'm with. Um, I don't see it being very successful if I was with really anybody else. So yeah, I'm very, I think I'm just very lucky. Yeah, those conversations definitely are very important.
Katelyn:
Yeah, they are. And I appreciate you saying that. And, you know, it takes a lot of courage to have those conversations as well, too. And I always, I always think, man, when we have those really authentic, vulnerable moments with our partners. That is, that is you showing up for you, you know, that you are totally taking care of yourself and going through the fear. And you know, I think that before those conversations, just like so many vulnerable conversations, our mind starts to go into this place of what if and, catastrophizing, everything and just like you've mentioned so many times in your story it's having, it's creating a safe space to have a conversation like this or a moment like this. And it sounds like some healthy boundaries around that as well too. And also just going through it and really retraining your mind to understand this is okay, we can do this, we're safe when we do this. And also, to bold the other person really sees that and, and you, you get the acceptance that you're craving as well too. But you have accepted yourself first, which it sounds like you've really begun to understand at this point in your story as well. This is about you accepting yourself, and having the ability to have a conversation like that, because it's not really about acceptance from the other person.
Brynta:
Exactly. I think that we're doing that work. You know, with a partner in your life, I think you have to also remember that your work is individual, they're there to support you, but certainly shouldn't be leaning on somebody to give you that validation, or any sort of help. That might be needed from a professional. It's good to have that support, but don't depend on certain aspects of healing to be coming from that relationship. It's not going to heal you and and I've tried to do that before where I've gotten into relationships and it's like, Okay, this is going to heal me. I'm loved and accepted. So this is gonna help everything and I did it. I have to do the work myself. Something that I learned in this relationship as well. So that was just a big lesson I learned.
Katelyn:
I love that. Yeah. Um, let's talk about comedy and where this fits in to the the work that you're doing now and for everybody who does not already follow Brynta you're absolutely going to want to on Instagram and Tik Tok and all of the places- we will share at the end and link everything in the show notes too. But how did you get into the content creator that you’re doing today and just the platform that you have? And just for everybody who is not familiar, what is this space that you've created on the internet? And, and, yeah, just tell us about it.
Brynta:
So for me, I guess, maybe just me being a child of divorce and being if you watch the show Friends, maybe just being a Chandler, but I grew up with a very sarcastic sense of humor. And I sort of, when I started talking about body acceptance and body confidence online, I don't know- I just, I would hear the sound on Tik Tok and I in my brain would immediately go into these scenarios and start creating these things in my head. And I used to think, well, I can't do this, no one's gonna find this funny, no one's going to be interested in hearing what I have to say, no one's gonna laugh at this. And I remember putting a couple out there, and doing really well. But not just in the fact that they did really well. But the response, I got the response I got from people saying, Oh, my God, you're a brown woman in a short skirt, you know, in a bigger body saying, love yourself in that message, meant everything to me. And those messages that started coming in really started to encourage me to keep going, because not only was it doing well, but it was reaching the right people, it was reaching the people who needed to hear these messages, and it, you know, hopefully brighten their day a little bit, but at the same time was able to help them see that they are more than their body and they can, you know, live and exist in their body outside of what the world is telling them to believe. So I started to get that feedback, I was okay, I can, I can keep doing this. And I just wanted to be as authentic as I possibly could, because as soon as this all started going for me, I realized how much work I needed to put into it. How much you know, how much this would affect my mental health, and my emotional health by sharing all these things online. And I knew that if I wasn't authentic, number one, I just wouldn't be doing well. Number two, it wouldn't feel right for me. I never want to promote a product, I never want to send a message, I never want to put anything out there that I don't believe in or that I don't think it's actually going to genuinely help people. Because what's the point of doing that? What's the point of wasting people's time? And when you do that, I feel like people could be more hurt, and more negatively impacted by what you're putting out there if it's not authentic. So in all of this, I found that being myself people really responded to, and that I represented a part of this, you know, body acceptance community that didn't have a lot of voice. And that's, you know, for stigmatized women, and, you know, common women like me, who never really had a say in, in, in this part of in this part of the conversation. I mean, in our culture, we don't talk about body image at all, we talk about other people's bodies, and it affected me and I know what affects a lot of other South Asian women so much. So I just want to be able to show up and represent and be myself. And the fact that I can do that. And the people you know, understand my jokes. I mean, it makes everything so much more worth it. And I feel like adding that little sense of humor to what I have to say makes everything a little bit more digestible as well. So yeah, I love that people respond this way.
Katelyn:
I love it too. And it's so valuable. And where does comedy fit into your healing journey? Is that something that you used as a tool for your body acceptance before you started speaking out publicly about it and using your own voice to contribute to the comedy of this as well too, because I personally love it. I think that it is, it's so important to take a step back and just laugh at life and just the Oh my god, especially in terms of diet culture, just like the bullshit that is floating around that we all have to just laugh at at the end of the day. So is that something that you used as a tool for your recovery? Or did that come later?
Brynta:
Oh, 100%. So as I said when I started this whole body acceptance journey just within myself on my own personal level, I started to like, you know, go to therapy and talk to all these people. I definitely saw the impact that being self aware, and uh, being self deprecating, and you know, having that little sense of humor had on me, I found it to be more authentic to who I am and I found it that it helped me a little bit more. Because I mean, if you can't laugh at yourself, and it's like She's just way too serious. I just thoroughly believe that. And that's not something that I always believed. So in learning and discovering that about myself and learning that I could be self deprecating, and I could, you know, make these, you know, a little bit over the line jokes, and still send a message, it's something I definitely wanted to include in what I was putting out there. Because I knew that that helped me very much. I mean, I love to laugh, and I love laughing at myself, I love that I've learned to do that. Because, you know, I used to think that everyone was sort of looking at me and sort of this negative light. And so learning to just not care and learning to just laugh it off, has been so impactful, and so important, and just really, really, really effective on my journey to body acceptance and self awareness. But I think it's also so important. So yeah, on a personal level, it helped me and I knew that it would help other people as well.
Katelyn:
Yeah, it. I mean, you have mentioned so many elements of this in your entire story, particularly as you started healing your relationship with your body, but just this, adopting this mindset of, I don't care, like I'm going to live my life, I'm going to stop caring about what everyone thinks about me and just giving yourself that permission to be you and show up in ways that feel really good for you and take care of yourself in ways that feel really good for you without checking boxes, or getting validation or outside approval or acceptance from everyone else, just accepting yourself and giving yourself that permission to to be in the moment. And you know, what's so interesting about that Brynta is, when we get there, I feel like that creates so much space to laugh. And you know, I think so many of us are so tightly wound coming out of diet culture, and especially if you're in it without even recognizing it, because we only have so much mental energy. And at the end of the day, if it's all going into one place, it's hard to actually have that like belly aching laughter or just thinking about things in a different way that give ourselves the opportunity to create humor in our in our life, and especially around some of the things that we're doing. But yeah, it's just this lightness that you are describing that is so intriguing.
Brynta:
I love that. I love that you put it that way. Because that makes that makes so much sense the idea that we're all so tightly wound and that was so me coming out of diet culture, like just obsession and uh, ah, overreactive, let's just focus on every little detail, every little thing, always having to be perfect, because I mean, that's what you're striving for this idea of perfection when you're when you're within diet, culture, and be affected by all of that. So, again, like yeah, coming out of this, just being able to laugh at literally anything. It is so amazing, so impactful. And I'm so glad that I could bring that into this community.
Katelyn:
I love it. So final question before we wrap up- because you are so public online, can you just share how you've created boundaries for yourself around your online presence and just your personal life, your self care how much you like your discernment around how much you actually share versus who you want to keep private? And how much time you're spending online? Like what does that look like from a mental health perspective?
Brynta:
Oh, I love this question. I've learned so much from people like Alicia McCarville, and @TheBirdsPapaya, because they've been very open about the boundaries that they've set with their communities, which are by far, much bigger than mine. But I mean I felt, just like it is in my personal life, I've always found it hard to set boundaries. So as I'm learning to do that with the people in my life, I've also extended that into the community that I'm building as well. Because I think that it's so important that people understand that there are people behind these pages, real people that are affected by the things that you say, the first thing that I started doing was I utilized that block button, I probably abused that block button or there's something that I don't think is appropriate or is useful or contributing to this conversation in any way. But you're blocked, you're gone. There's no room for bullies. There's no room for people who are going to try and come after me or any one of my followers. So I utilize that slot but I have no shame, no guilt in doing that. And I think nobody should ever be ashamed of that. The second thing I do is I'm very open when I take breaks. Just throughout my day even if it's a break to stretch, even if it's a moment to myself I am making sure that I make that time. And I learned the hard way because I used to make content well into the night and then I have no time for my personal life. So now I make sure that I almost treat it like a nine to five job, but I have a nine to five job. So I treat this as my other nine to five jobs. So there are rules that I make in terms of when I show up online and when I create outside of that, because the other aspect to all of this is not just showing up online, but also creating. So I set time limits, in that sense as well. So I might not be as active as I used to be when I first started coming into this, that's just because those are the boundaries that you set in order to maintain a happy home life, and just to have a personal life. So if people don't get what they do for me, that's unfortunate. But that's a boundary that I'm gonna have to set.
Katelyn:
Yeah, it's, it's so valuable. And I love that you brought in your learning lesson with creating your own boundaries in your personal life as well, too, because you're so right, it is an extension once we learn that skill, which is so freaking hard for so many of us- like I’m raising my hand. Yes, it's still challenging sometimes. But yeah, when you learn that skill, it is so important to bring it into your professional life as well, too. So, no, these are great tips. Okay, I know that was the final question, but one last question- What's your dream? Like? Where do you see this going? If you're open to sharing and, you know, share as much or as little as you want to, but like, what do you see for yourself in the next five years? If the sky was the limit? Like what do you want to do? Who do you want to be talking to? How do you want to make a change in the world? Just go.
Brynta:
Oh, I see hopefully, an expansion like my online presence, social media presence, I want this to be a full time job. For me, that's a dream. And, you know, writing has also always been a love of mine. So hopefully, there's some writing aspect to all of this that I can, you know, incorporate in some way and then of course, a podcast. I love having these conversations with people. So if you know a podcast is a possibility in my future, I would absolutely jump at the opportunity because it is absolutely a dream. So yeah, I just love having these conversations in any way that I can expand that I'm all for it.
Katelyn:
I love it. I see all of that happening for you too. And we've capsuled it. We'll come back to it in a you know, six months year a couple years where we can celebrate and toast some champagne. I love this conversation so much and the work that you're doing is just so incredible. For everybody who is listening, where can they connect with you and just fall in love with you even more?
Brynta:
So everyone can find me online. I am on Instagram and on Tik Tok at @bryntaponn which is my real name. Yeah, and so that's, that's where I'm at right now.
Katelyn:
You also have a celebrity name. Let's just acknowledge that, this is like a very star quality name sounds like you're you know, you’re already famous, but it sounds like you're meant for big things.
Brynta:
Oh my gosh, thank you. That's like, wow, oh my gosh, I'm gonna keep that with me for the rest of my life. Yeah, I love it. That's like the best compliment I've ever gotten. Thanks.
Katelyn:
Alright, my love. Thank you so much. You are incredible. And I just appreciate your truth and your vulnerability and everything that you brought to this space today. Thank you.
Brynta:
I absolutely appreciate you having me. Thank you so much for this opportunity. I'd really love talking to you.