Episode 86: Untangling Success From Our Bodies With Justine Sloan
Episode 86: Untangling Success From Our Bodies With Justine Sloan
In this episode we sit down with....Justine Sloan.
Justine Moore Sloan is a Certified Health Coach, EFT Practitioner, author, and the Co-Founder of Boss Ladies MKE, a networking and mastermind group for women in the Greater Milwaukee area. Justine worked in the fitness industry for a decade as a personal trainer, fitness model and competitor. In 2014, she reached her "rock bottom turning point," after being diagnosed with adrenal fatigue and thyroid dysfunction, caused by years of overtraining and restrictive dieting. She turned her struggles into her purpose, and is now on a mission to help women end the negative self-talk and body shaming, stop obsessing over food and the scale, and ultimately, to know their worth. She believes we are WAY MORE POWERFUL when we are able to fully love and trust our bodies, and focus on what really matters in life! Justine tells her story in her first book, entitled “Someone I Love Lives Here".She loves to travel, but her home base is Milwaukee, where she lives with her husband and soulmate, Scott.
In this conversation we talk about:
Justine’s personal body image story- her first diet at age 7
Her experience of stepping away from the fitness modeling industry
Unpacking deep rooted beliefs connected to identity and body image
The process of writing her new book
Practical tools for rocky self worth days
The importance of self care and support systems
Connect with our guest...
IG: @thejustinesloan
TikTok: @justinemooresloan
Website: justinesloan.com
Resources we mention in this episode…
Ready to heal your relationship with food + body?
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Grab your FREE Intuitive Eating Workshop
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TRANSCRIPTION
Episode 86: Untangling Success From Our Bodies With Justine Sloan
Katelyn:
Justine Sloane. Hi, welcome to the show.
Justine:
Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here.
Katelyn:
I'm excited that you're here. I can't wait to hear your story. Let's just dive right in. The first question that we ask everybody on the show is your first body awareness moment. So, what did that look like for you? That moment where you realized, I'm in a body, and this means something in the world that I'm living in, just paint the picture of that particular moment. And then I would also love to hear your body image story. So how did that moment impact your relationship with your body and or food moving forward?
Justine (body image story):
Yeah, so my first body awareness moment, I can remember when I was seven years old, in the second grade. I was putting on weight very quickly, and my mom was concerned about it, so she took me to my pediatrician. And I can remember the doctor telling her that I was too heavy for my age- that I was heavier than kids should be at my age. And so at that moment, at seven years old, that was the first moment that I felt like something was wrong with my body- something was wrong with me. And that really shaped the rest of my life, like so many years to come. So again, I was seven years old. And then by eight years old, I tried my first diet, because now I felt like something was wrong with me, I had to fix it. So I tried my first diet, which was Slimfast, my mom had Slimfast in the house, and let me drink it when I found it. And I just pretty much was drinking that, in addition to all the little kid foods I was enjoying, so I didn't lose weight at the time. And then a few years later, in middle school, I had been teased in elementary school, and I felt insecure about it. But it was like it was bearable until I got into middle school. And then it felt just excruciating to still feel like I was overweight, and I didn't look like the other girls- wasn't as good as the other girls. Because of that, I was just really, really painfully aware of it and very, very insecure about it. And I think Middle School is that time for a lot of us where, you know, boys come into the picture. And popularity matters a lot more. So. At that point, I felt like I really had to figure it out. So, I started running a lot even though I hated running. I still hate running. And now I like do not run. But I started running as much as possible because I felt like it was a way to burn off the calories I was eating and then I started looking anything I could get my hands on- magazines or those books with like the calories in it that said, you know, eat this not that those kinds of materials I started just absorbing everything I could. So, I’d say by the time I was 13 years old, I knew the amount of calories of pretty much any type of food. And so at a very young age, I was very, very conscious of it. And then right around 13 is when I lost quite a bit of weight and also had this growth spurt at that age. So, then I was in a very different body- I was in a thin body. And I got so much praise so much validation from it. Not from my parents so much, they really never said anything either way, which I am really grateful for but even I can remember the neighbor kids I played with their dad like high fived me and said, “you got skinny!”. And you know distant relatives or people at church, you know, people were commenting on it. And I felt like it was an accomplishment that I had lost weight. And it also solidified that I am more valuable to the world- people like me better when I'm thin. So that really set the trajectory for the upcoming years. And in high school and college, I was very weight conscious. I was constantly trying all these different diets really obsessively working out from the perspective of again, trying to burn as many calories as possible. And I would freak out if I couldn't get a workout in. Like I even I can remember when I was 17 my mom one night came upstairs to my bedroom and I was crying because I hadn't been able to fit my workout in that day. And I was just devastated because I felt like I had to be so rigid and constantly vigilant about my weight and burning off what I ate in order to, you know, look the way that I wanted to look and the way that I felt other people wanted me to look. So, yeah, I went to college and again was on all these different diets. I was living with sorority sisters, and they'd be ordering pizza or chicken wings, and I'd be mixing up a cauldron of cabbage soup for the cabbage soup diet, or, you know, trying Atkins or whatever it was. It was always something. And then that was also the time that I really started binge eating a lot too, because I would be on these crazy strict diets, and then, of course, you know, the restrictive nature of it sent me the other directions. So, I would buy all this food and take it into my room alone and binge eat it and just feel miserable and start the full pattern. I’d swear to do a new diet and be good this time. So, so yeah, just really, the yo-yo cycle. And I think each time it was really wearing away my confidence, my self-esteem. Beyond then, toward the end of college before my junior year, I started working front desk at a gym. And that was really my introduction to the fitness world. There were like 30 something trainers, and this was out in New York. I was raised in Wisconsin, but I went to college in New York. So I started talking to all of the personal trainers there and learning about fitness. And then I started buying all the fitness magazines, and just everything I could get my hands on about nutrition and strength training. And I was just obsessed, because I felt like finally it was a quote-unquote, “healthy way” to control my body and to get the body I wanted. So, a year later, I got certified as a personal trainer myself, which I absolutely loved. I ended up personal training clients for a total of 10 years. And I learned so much- I absolutely loved that work. But I also felt like right away, okay, if I'm a trainer, I want people to want to work with me. And I was like, I hate sales. I don't want to do sales, I just want to be my own billboard, I want people to look at me and say I want to train with her. And so, I set this goal to compete in a fitness competition. And a couple of the other trainers at the gym had competed in like bodybuilding shows. So, I set this goal to do one of the shows in the bikini division for women- there's this division, that's more of the like, Bikini Body Fitness model toned each body look. So I thought I'd do one show and be done. But I ended up doing a competition, I took second to last my first one which I was devastated. And I always say this for people, if they want to compete- it's like, you're in the best shape of your life, and then you get on this stage and you're judged and critiqued and compared to the other bodies on stage, and only one person wins that day and everyone else walks away feeling like they're still not good enough and you're in insane shape. So, for me with my body image issues that have been with me since childhood, it was brutal. But I was also instantly addicted, like I had to do the next one and the next one. And so, I ended up doing 19 Fitness competitions over the course of four years. Which is crazy.
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Katelyn:
That is. Yeah, that is so many. Wow.
Justine:
Yeah, definitely not healthy. And at that time, too, I was very successful in the fitness industry- I ended up getting sponsored by a big supplement company. So, I had an athlete contract and was actually getting paid to do the shows. And I would even get a bonus for first second or third place. And they were flying me around the country, you know, paying for my hotels paying for everything. So now I was actually getting my paycheck to compete and to look a certain way. And you know, doing the photo shoots and product advertisements and things like that. So, my body really became my livelihood. And so again, I became even more obsessed. And the way I was going about it was so far from healthy. You know, I don't want to make blanket statements about the fitness industry but there's a lot of things that I was doing and received guidance from many coaches and you know, peers like kind of the idea everyone's doing this, so you have to do this too. And it is not healthy at all. So, throughout my life, everything revolved around what I was eating- weighing every little gram of food, and working out for two-three hours, seven days a week. And eventually, it just took a toll on my body- on my health and beyond. Finally, 2014 was like my rock bottom turning point. I did not feel good. I had no energy. I just felt terrible. And a few months before that I had actually gotten shingles right before a show at 27 years old. Yeah, so my body was like, screaming out. And even when I got shingles, I still went on stage that week, I just covered it up. I got on stage, you know, I just kept pushing myself no matter what red flags were popping up. And then finally, I just did not feel good. I didn't look good either. My skin, you know, the color in my face, like I just did not look healthy. And so, I went to my doctor, I got my hormones tested, my thyroid tested, and everything came back, really out of whack. My hormones were a mess, I had severe adrenal fatigue, and my thyroid had pretty much shut down. So, my doctor called me with the results and said, You have to take a break. That's how he put it. And I felt devastated at the time. But then a wiser part of me also felt relieved, because I was like, I can't do this anymore. Some part of me just could not take it any longer. So that rock bottom really was my turning point and the hugest blessing in disguise because I started piece by piece looking at what is going to actually make me feel happy and fulfilled because I had not thought about that. And for so long, it was just all about being as lean as possible, you know, winning shows and winning trophies, and I was never satisfied, no matter what I looked like. or even if I did, I, you know, I took first place in one show and placed well, in so many. And even then, I still felt like my body was not good enough. So finally, when I stepped away from it, I started really working on the inner work. And again, really reflecting on what's going to make me feel happy. Because I was miserable. Besides the health issues, I also had such severe anxiety, and was really not loving or respecting myself in any way.
Katelyn:
So, I can only imagine that moment when you got these lab results back and the guidance to pull out of these competitions and take a break. How old were you at this point- was this in your 20s?
Justine:
Yeah, I was 27 at the time.
Katelyn:
Okay, so 27. And you were seven years old, you said when you went on your first diet. So, this moment of stepping away and the gravity that you must have felt in that moment of what you were possibly giving up and what you were on the precipice of facing for yourself that you had been avoiding for over 20 years. Unpack that for me. What were some of the first steps that you took when you got that information? Do you take a few rest days? Did you dive right into like personal development books? Did you get a therapist or a coach? Did you like cry it out? How did you process that you needed to take a break and get to the place where you realized this is actually way deeper than just food and your body?
Justine:
Yeah, well, at first, I was terrified because I had built this huge following. I ended up having close to 2 million followers on my Facebook page. I had this huge community. And again, the supplement contract and all of this revolved around these shows. And so, I was first terrified because I was like, This is what I built my life around and like what do I have to offer if I'm not doing this? And I was also really fearful about going off a meal plan and not doing hours of workouts a day, which right away I started working with a holistic Doctor who is fantastic. The really helped me understand adrenal fatigue because a lot you know, this was I'm trying to think- this was like seven years ago and there's more information out now but a lot of people still aren't aware of what's really going on in the body. So he was wonderful, but right away, he was like, you have to stop training. And I had to stop strength training because my body was really in such severe shape. And with adrenal fatigue, it's like you can't handle any kind of stress your body, your adrenals are completely taxed. And exercise is a stress on the body, which a normal healthy body can respond to and we get stronger from it. But my body was so exhausted, and so burnt out from years of abuse, and overtraining, and these punishing grueling workouts no matter what it felt like. So, I had to take time off completely. So, he was like, you can do short walks. And it was like, Are you kidding me? I was freaking out. Because again, it was so much ego in this, this whole career- that was my identity. So, I was very freaked out. And then the idea of my, my general physician was like, just eat normal for a while. And I was like, What the hell does that mean? Eat normal?
Katelyn:
Right- you have a lifetime of looking at other people's plans and books, like you've mentioned in your story so far. I mean, how did you sit with that- just eat normal?
Justine:
Yeah, I mean, I was terrified. And the coaches I had were very strict. So it’s this rigid perspective that if you eat a single meal, if you eat a single bite, we would receive emails that would say, like, no extra nibbles. If you take extra bites, it will show on stage- bites of food. So, I had so much fear around stopping my hours and hours of training and eating, quote, unquote, “eating normal”. But the amazing thing is, within a couple of weeks, because the stress just fell away- I no longer had an upcoming show to worry about and the pressure was off, I actually started feeling and looking so much better, like my body very quickly started to bounce back and become healthier from taking a break. And from starting to nourish myself more fully. Because at the time, too, with these restrictive diets, I mean, I was severely lacking in the nutrients I needed. So, as I started to allow myself to have other types of foods, and take a break from the grueling workouts, like I said, very quickly my body actually responded really well. So, it was really encouraging for me to see that, like, okay, it's not going in a bad direction, I actually started feeling better and looking better. So that was really encouraging. And then I was also just miserable. You know, like I said, my anxiety was so high. So, I had to really look at like, you know, where am I in my life? And what do I want now? And like I said, I was living in New York, and I knew I had to get out of the environment I was in, because really, all the relationships I had revolved around this world I had created that was just so hyper focused on competitions and fitness. And I was married at the time, for less than a year. So that summer, I decided to move back to Milwaukee- moved out of New York. And just after that, I asked for a divorce as well. So those were two huge things. And I moved back to Milwaukee at the very end of 2014. And right away, I feel like, you know, the colors started coming back to my face. And I feel like this veil was lifted, and I started remembering who I was, and started feeling like this happy, whole human again. And so, piece by piece, it was just, it was very encouraging to see, you know, I feel so much better and to start to really, even when I got back to Milwaukee, being able to go out with my family with my friends and enjoy life again- go out and order off a menu and not be so freaked out about it. Or, you know, it's Milwaukee, so to have a beer or a couple beers. And again, every time I would do something like that and realize like, okay, it's not the end of the world, you know, life goes on- on to the next day. I don't know what I thought was going to happen. But again, I was so freaked out about not being on a diet. So, it was really encouraging- piece by piece it seemed like wow, I can have fun and I can have a sense of balance and nothing bad is going to happen.
Katelyn:
So essentially, rebuilding that self-trust it sounds like. And from your story, it sounds like the trust had been placed in the diets to give you that sense of control, and the external validation and the approval. And to bring it back to that internal self-acceptance and self-trust that you're getting to.
Justine:
Mm hmm. Yeah, definitely.
Katelyn:
So I have a question about you making this big transition and your community of 2 million people and these sponsors and everything. What was that untangling process like? Or were you still engaging with your community at this point? Did you have to have a big meeting with the supplement companies that you weren't going to be sponsored by them anymore? How did you take the steps away from that industry?
Justine:
Yeah, so the companies were originally okay with it. But in less than a year, we had worked out a contract, and then it did not go through. So, I did lose, like my big brand endorsement. And that kind of made sense for me- and I was devastated about it. But again, if I wasn't competing, that was a big part of it. So, I had to let go of so many things. And you know, I really had to kind of watch my life unravel and like, let it all kind of burn to the ground so I could build something new. With my community, it was really interesting, because they didn't care at all about the competitions, you know, I was still showing up. I wasn't quite at the 2 million mark until I moved back to Milwaukee. So that actually is when it kind of skyrocketed, which I was really amazed. You know, just showing me living my life, people actually liked it so much better. Me sharing cute outfits, because even now, it's like, it's all the small things that I missed when I was in the fitness industry, like I didn't even wear real clothes. I was, you know, training so many hours a day, and then personal training clients on top of it. So, like I didn't even have normal clothes to wear. So again, once I got back to Milwaukee and really started living my life, it was like, getting to enjoy food and getting to enjoy style and and like getting to figure out who am I outside of this identity that I had created. That was just this fitness model and competitor. So, with the community, they were still super supportive. I will say then, it was about a year, two years later that I began coaching. So I still loved training, but it had kind of just run its course. And I was like, I'm really ready to do deeper work with clients. Because with my journey I you know, had started on this path of really healing- really doing the inner work that was again, when I really got into personal development once I got back to Milwaukee, and also just figuring out this whole eating thing, because by then I was 28 years old and realize I still didn't really know how to eat. So, as I kind of started navigating a new approach. I knew that I wanted to transition from being so much in the fitness industry, and again, doing deeper work. So I thought about it for a while. I prayed about it. And then one week, it was just so clear to me. I had one client in a boot camp that just sat down on the floor afterwards and started like spilling everything and we just talked for a while and then she left and text message later. And I didn't even know her very well but she texts me later and thanked me and said she felt so much better. And then the same week, another client that was coming in for a personal training session text and she was like, Can I pick you up? Can we just go for coffee, I really need to talk. And my bachelor's degree back in college was actually in psychology, so the wheels started turning and I was like okay, coaching you know, life coaching is really my next step because it really brings everything full circle and I knew I could still use my nutrition and fitness background. But again, I really wanted to be serving people on a deeper level. So I googled life coaching certification, I think and I ended up doing the first one I saw, like watched the video and signed up right away. And it was a health coach certification that I did that was really, really powerful for me, I worked with another coach and we coached each other through a transformational program. And through that work, that's where I really started finding intuitive eating principles and really rebuilding this trust with my body and you know, just so many concepts, again from intuitive eating, that I had never heard of in my whole life. You know, in all of the years that I had been in fitness I’d never been exposed to these things. And it was like a choir of angels singing, because I think back then even though I was not dieting, I was still tracking my macros. I still had to have so much control over food. So, I started giving myself more flexibility, but I was still tracking everything I was eating. So that was when even working with her, she encouraged me to ease up on it, she's like, Can we have one or two days where you don't track any numbers where you don't stop on the scale where you're not tracking your macros? And I was like, you know, it's, again, piece by piece. It was so scary. But every time I would do it and be like, wow, I feel better. And I don't need that. And again, nothing bad happens. I started letting go of all of that all the control all the rigidity that was still there. And so yeah, by the time I finished my coaching certification, I feel like I was in a completely different place with my body, and then really doing deep inner work too.I had really never looked at my life story. I had never asked myself questions about, you know, why am I still obsessed with my body and so obsessed with controlling it? And so getting the opportunity to really go back and start to unplug from these beliefs that had formed from just seven years old and on. That was really healing.
Katelyn:
And I'm sure as you know, it's like you keep feeling better and better. So it's like addictive in a good way where you just want to keep going deeper with the personal growth work. So, what were some of those beliefs that you were able to uncover for yourself at the time? If you remember any that stand out. One of the things that you mentioned in your story earlier on in our conversation is feeling more valuable to the world when you're thin. Do any others stand out to you from that time in your life where you were really starting to unpack some of those deep rooted beliefs?
Justine:
Yeah, I would say, being able to trust my hunger, that was a big one. And one of my friends gave me the book, Intuitive Eating, and I like gave it right back. When she first gave it to me, I was like, Oh my gosh, I was so triggered by it. And I was like, I could never trust myself to just eat. And so that was a big one- learning that that's not true at all. I actually can trust my hunger and my body wants to work with me. And that was a really deep-rooted belief, too. It's because my body image issues had started at such a young age, I really, truly believed that I had these bad genes, and that I would always have to really work harder than everyone else. And so even in the fitness industry years, even when I looked like that, I truly believed I had to do more, I had to work harder than all these other girls in the industry. And I always felt like I was just one step ahead from my bad genes catching up with me. So to really see like, that is just a story and really reworking that and starting to hold the belief that I actually get to enjoy my life and eat and drink what I want and nourish my body- trust my hunger, and still feel amazing and feel more confident than ever before. So that was big.
Katelyn:
That's huge. And like you said before, I love how you gave the analogy of burning it all down- the life that you were living before. And this rebirth that you're alluding to, of really coming home to yourself and really figuring out who you really are on a deeply authentic level.
Justine:
Mm hmm. Yeah, it was and still is this amazing process of looking at my beliefs in every area of my life- there were so many around my appearance and my body and food, but again, that's the piece that's so empowering, and really fun. Once you start, it's like, you get to unpack that and you get to ask like, what have I been believing all these years? And do I still want to believe that and if you don't, you know, or, you know, even in your life if you're not happy and like I said I was miserable. So I really did just let it all kind of fall apart. And that's not the worst place to be because then you get to be really intentional with where you want to go next. And rebuilding and creating a new story.
Katelyn:
What are some of the beliefs that still show up from time to time? Like, what are the ones that you really have to keep a pulse on, or some of the triggers or patterns that you might have found yourself in, in the past that still show up from time to time now that you've got to just be a little bit more conscious of?
Justine:
I've moved so far away from nitpicking my body and obsessing over weight and food, but looks appearance, that is one that I don't know that I'll ever be able to fully unhook from feeling like, my value is still tied to my appearance. And actually, just last week, I had a day that I just wasn't feeling good about myself, like, looking in the mirror, you know, I was like crying to my husband about it. And I said, like, logically I understand. Like, I can understand and like, I'm beautiful. And also, I am fully aware that I'm so much more than this body, I'm so much more than the physical, I'm a soul, having a human experience in this body. And I'm so grateful for my body. But I think, as a woman, I still feel like, my appearance is, is a huge part of how people judge me and perceive me. You know, and I still think there's so much of that in our society. I even say, you know, we look at actors and actresses, and there's a whole different level of pressure for how women need to look in a spotlight or I always say, with politicians, it's like, no one really talks about what male politicians look like. And with female politicians, it's Oh, she's either this or that, or she dresses too much like this, or, you know, it's always, always looks first with women. And as much as I hate that, I know I still very much am influenced by our society and our culture and this messaging. And, you know, social media, I think there's so many beautiful things about it. But of course, there are the, you know, the negative aspects, the things that, like you said, You know, I really have to check myself on and that's a big one, too, is just looking on social media and seeing everyone perfect polished filters, like, you know, all this stuff. And then you look in the mirror, and a lot of days, we can feel like we're not good enough in some ways. So it is, that's still an ongoing thing for me. And I think even you know, aging, too, we get so many messages about that for women. It's kind of like this short shelf life. And we're told aging is not beautiful. Again, that's something that someone else decided, and it's this cultural messaging. And it's doesn't have to be true, but it's definitely something we get messaging on every day. So, learning to live with that. And again, really sink into my value and worth, so much so that I'm not so triggered by the days that I feel like, I'm not pretty enough or don't look good enough, or my skin's breaking out or, you know, whatever it is.
Katelyn:
yeah, I really feel you. And I think that most people listening will resonate with everything that you've just shared. As women in this culture, it is nearly impossible to feel immune from these days of being triggered by our appearance or our bodies, or the “should’s” of how we should be showing up physically as women, just based on the quote unquote, “worthiness” that's attached to our bodies and our physicality. And it's such bullshit. I really, I hear you, I hear the emotion in your voice around not wanting to subscribe to it. And at the same time, when you're living in it, it's incredibly difficult. And that pops up for me too, especially around aging, you know, living in an anti-aging culture where we're being sold every single day ways to maintain youth in a bottle, and it's just so unrealistic and unsustainable and so far from our values and who we are and our worthiness and our innate nature as individuals. So, on those days, how do you anchor back into your own self-worth and your truth and your values, what are some of your favorite tools that you use when you're having more of a rocky day?
Justine:
Yeah, I definitely open up about it. My husband, over the years, he's become a very good listener. At first, it was a bit of a struggle. But you know, last week, he was just so sweet. And just being able to open up and be honest about it, even letting myself cry is a huge thing, because for so many years, I was like, I never cry. And I thought that was something I should be proud of. And now I realized that I was storing so much pain in my body. So now when feelings come up, I let myself feel them. And that is incredibly helpful in healing just to let myself cry, if I want to cry. Then I would say journaling is one of my favorite tools. Just even doing a brain dump and getting everything out of my head and onto paper. And then I also like to finish with writing out affirmations. For me, it's just really powerful, putting pen to paper and writing things down. So, I might do a brain dump, just journal on everything I'm feeling and then finish with like, a whole page of affirmations. And I think really connecting with my myself on a soul level to doing things that make my heart and soul happy. And also moving my body in a way that feels good. Taking care of myself with love, I always go back to that it's like on the days that might be a little tougher, those are the days that I think we need to love ourselves even harder. I really sink into that- I am going to take care of this body. I'm grateful for this body, you know, and again, taking care of my soul to select what feels good, what do I need right now. Just being really kind to myself, I really learned how to shift the way that I talk to myself in my head. Definitely the way I talk about myself too. And so, you know, the negative thoughts, they pop up, but I feel like I just don't subscribe to it anymore. I have gotten really good at observing it having that self-awareness of what I'm doing it and rerouting it. And so now when it comes up, it's kind of like I feel like it's like knocking at the door. And I always say like, I just don't answer but it still is frustrating like we were talking about that it's even a thing. And like I just don't want this to be a thing anymore. I don't want to give any more energy to obsessing over my appearance. I feel like I have enough awareness to realize that it's such a waste of my one precious life. So, I think that's the piece that really does frustrate me, but I let myself feel the frustration, the anger, the pain, the sadness, journal it out, talk to people I love, and then take really, really good care of myself. And that really helps me move through it pretty quickly.
Katelyn:
I love all of those tools that you're sharing. They're super valuable. I often find for me too, one of the things that helps when I'm in one of those moments is just pausing and acknowledging what else is going on in my life. Like what other areas of my life do I feel unworthy or insecure or out of control or scared or fearful? You know what I mean? For me personally, I've really acknowledged that when I'm having an off day or just a bad body image day or, the aging things are coming up which I attach to body image as well- it kind of all goes into one little funnel for me. What is creating that? What is really going on under the surface of that and trying to really just be mindful and remind myself that this is the target and I’m taking these feelings out on my body because it's an easy target. And I’ve been trained to do this my entire life, by way of our culture and our own lived experiences. But it doesn't have to be that way. I can redirect and ground and be really intellectual with where this is coming from too.
Justine:
Totally. Yeah, I love that you said that because it's so true. It's always something deeper. And I even noticed right at the start of the pandemic, I had these feelings of wanting to control my food intake like I had not had since I was 18 years old, which is when my disordered eating was the most severe. And it felt like that all over again, like this desire to control my food. And I caught it so quickly, because I was like, Well, that makes perfect sense. Like, there's so much uncertainty in our world at the time. And even, you know, looking at last week, again, when I, when I trace it back, not so far, I'm like, yeah, I'm really stressed about. And again, it's kind of a time of uncertainty for me, and really trust in myself and in my path and the universe. So it's a lot of that going on again. So totally, I can absolutely relate to what you're saying about those old patterns of well, you know, I used to control this in the past, or, you know, even going back again, to 13 years old, that weight loss being like this high. So it really is kind of like an old drug of choice that made me feel good the last time so maybe I should do that again. But it's really just a distraction from what's really going on.
Katelyn:
Yeah, and especially as it relates to the praise and the validation, and just the messages around your body from that point of view of, Oh, you've done something successful, you're winning, you're succeeding in some way. And having that be the disordered tool in the toolkit that keeps showing up in these moments. Like we're talking about it can be so easy to go back and feel like Oh, shit, I need to do something different right now, I needed to change myself, I need to fix myself because I feel unworthy or invalidated or unsuccessful in some way. And this worked before in the past. It's just so sneaky sometimes. And that's where I like to have a lot of self-compassion too because there are so many layers, so many subconscious messages. And it's really not our fault, either.
Justine:
Yeah, absolutely. And I don't know if you struggle as well, like, as a coach, for me, sometimes when these things come up, I'm like, you know, I can't be, I can't be going down this path- I'm a leader, I help women with this stuff. So that can be tricky to, you know, like you said, having a lot of self-compassion. And sometimes I feel like when I do get triggered or old thought patterns, old behavior patterns, when they arise, I've actually learned to be really grateful for it. Because I feel like, I can remember what it was like to be there all the time. And have even more compassion and understanding for where some of my clients might be and where other women are. And I can really speak into it from that place. Because a lot of times, once you get to the other side, you know, we don't want to go back there if we don't have to. We don't want to go back into those feelings. So sometimes I think being on the other side of it, I can forget how much of a, you know, inner hell it really can be when you're struggling with these things.
Katelyn:
Yeah, I really resonate with that. I was just having a conversation with a client recently about this- and one of the things that's been helpful for me when it makes sense and it's an appropriate setting, is just being really honest and naming the struggles that I still go through, whether that's in my community or with clients and whatnot, and to also acknowledge that it's a journey. The struggles look much different now than they did back when they were really dark and tangley. But they still show up just like you and I are talking about. And so, it's not about creating this perception of healing that when you heal your body image and insecurities, you never have to worry about this ever again. That's such bullshit. We live in this culture that is teaching us to be one certain way as women it's bound to show up and so it's acknowledging This is still true for me. I still have these days sometimes. And I'm honest about that. And it feels really good to be able to name that and say that out loud versus trying to make it seem like I'm just I never have them and that they don't exist and I never struggle anymore. But Also acknowledging, from a more hopeful standpoint, and from a truth at least where I am right now, they are way farther and fewer between then when I was really in the thick of it, and I'm so grateful for that. And I love what you said about gratitude, because it's so helpful to really zoom out and acknowledge your journey and the days becoming farther and fewer along the journey. It's super important. But yeah, I find that too- It definitely can be screwy in your mind, sometimes like oh my gosh, I shouldn't be having this day because I am a leader. I'm, you know, on the other side of this. And when I have those moments, it's really just acknowledging that that is such BS. I am human. And I'm also here to let people know that I am human. And this still comes up. And there are tools that I use in these situations, I keep adding tools to my toolkit, I'm not done growing. I'm not done on this journey, so how do I work with my body rather than against it in these moments?
Justine:
Absolutely. Yeah. I agree. 100%.
Katelyn:
Let's talk about your book, you wrote a book, which is fabulous. And I want to hear all about it. So, tell us the name of your book, first of all, because it's such a great title.
Justine:
Yes. My book is called Someone I Love Lives Here.
Katelyn:
It's so good. Someone I Love Lives Here. Such a great title. How did you make the decision to write a book? Is this something that you had been wanting to do for most of your life or did you wake up one day and just start putting pen to paper? How did the process go for you?
Justine:
Yeah, so I have wanted to be an author since I was six years old. In some of my old elementary school books that says do you want to be when you grow up, and that was one of the things so I have wanted to write a book for a very long time. And then it was November 2019, that that month, it just became crystal clear that this was my next project, I say it was a spiritual assignment. So I feel like I didn't choose it, it chose me. And I just knew it was time. So I had decided, because of my schedule, I was working, I was coaching for health coach Institute, and I was ending that contract in March of 2020. So I decided I would start writing in April of 2020. And then of course, we know the pandemic happen. So it was kind of beautiful for me to have my schedule completely cleared, you know, my social life out the window. So, you know, that was definitely a silver lining for me that I had so much spaciousness, and so much time to be at home through the writing process, which really brought up so much for me. So the book, it starts with my story at seven years old, so when, when my body image, body journey really started, and then goes all the way through to, you know, pretty much died. So, looking at all of these stories, all of these things that have happened in my life, from new eyes, you know, from adult eyes, was incredibly healing, but at times, you know, very, very painful as well. Even just looking at, my mom gave me all my old journals. So, you know, through, I had some from middle school, high school, college, you know, even notebooks where I was scribbling all of these obsessive weight loss plans. My journal entries, I could have just published those from high school and that would have been worth a read. They were, it's, you know, it's funny, but it was painful to read to just the amount of pain I was experiencing at the time. And then old emails, I really looked out for my time in the fitness industry, emails, mostly with coaches. And that really, it was disturbing, you know, just seeing, remembering where I was. And again, at the time, you know, I had such tunnel vision I was I've never been further from myself than when I was in the fitness industry. I was just so lost, so disconnected from who I was as a soul. And, you know, it really shows in in the email communication and everything so, so going back through it and writing it out. You know, sometimes I'd have A few days where I would just feel kind of funky and kind of depressed after uncovering stuff and writing about it. But ultimately, it was the most healing thing I've ever done. Because I also got to have so much love and compassion for all of those younger versions of me knowing that she didn't know any better. And, you know, really forgiving myself letting go of shame for things that I should have never been ashamed about in the first place. And I think we all have things like that we all have these moments, you know, growing up, and even in our 20s, it's like, no one knows what the hell they're doing. And we make mistakes, we make poor choices, or we are in situations that again, are not our fault. And we feel icky and dirty or ashamed about it, and then we carry that around. So for me, it was just incredibly healing to be able to, to write it out and unpack it. Again, from these, these new eyes.
Katelyn:
This is why I love storytelling, especially our own personal stories, and I love hearing other people's stories, this is why I started the podcast, I just think that there is so much power and healing, when we can give ourselves the space to share our stories and uncover some of these moments that we've buried. so deeply out of protection and out of the emotional repercussions that come up when we acknowledge them and the work around holding space for ourselves in these hard moments. So on those days where, I can only imagine feeling just off and a little unsettled, from reading some of the things that you were digging into, how did you take care of yourself during this process, Justine? What were some of your tools that you really leaned into, to write a beautiful book and also take care of yourself around getting to a place where you could write authentically, but look at some of these harder moments in your life?
Justine:
Yeah, I definitely let myself take breaks from the work when I needed step away from it. And you know, I didn't force myself to write ever, which I think was helpful. I did have to find my rhythm. And the first few months, I was kind of writing more sporadically. And then I really found that the way that I worked for us was waking up in the morning, and during about an hour, hour and a half, before my husband even woke up like just doing a little bit of centering and grounding, grabbing my coffee and sitting down in front of my computer. And if my husband would wake up and like come out, I'd be like, Alright, now like I'm in my zone. So because it was like, you know, really to write it and to do my story justice, I really had to get back into that headspace to be able to write authentically from all of those different younger versions of me. So, you know, when I felt like it was emotionally draining, or triggering, I would just give myself, again, a lot of space. And if I needed to take a step back, I did that. My husband was such a trooper through it. So we definitely talked a lot, I had very healing conversations with my parents through those two, you know, conversations that from childhood or teenagers, these things that we had never talked about. And you know, again, me getting to sit down now as an adult, and also have a lot of compassion for my parents to recognizing that, you know, they were pretty much where I am now. Like, they were my age, you know, at different stages. And it's like when we're kids or teenagers looking at our parents, we expect them to have all the answers or, you know, I think there's a lot of pressure on them to be perfect. So that was really healing to just getting to talk about some of these things that we had never talked about. And yeah, just really leaning into my morning practice. I was doing coaching at the time, do I always have one or two coaches? And, you know, healing mentors, spiritual mentors, so I was definitely doing, you know, had my whole toolkit, I think, yeah, whenever we're leveling up with, you know, a more challenging project or a new, you know, a new phase of our lives. I think we also need to level up our self care and our support and, you know, how can I support myself in a bigger way and so making sure I had, you know, all of my bases covered to have that kind of support spiritually, taking care of myself physically taking care of my mental health. And again, giving myself space when I needed it, to step back and just give myself a couple of days to really process.
Katelyn:
Sounds like such a beautiful rhythm for life, whether you're writing a book or not. You just mentioned so many tools that are really powerful for everyday life or moments in life that might be more difficult and necessary. I can't wait to read this book. When is it coming out? Where can people buy it? Tell us.
Justine:
October 19 is the release date. So it is available for pre order as well. on Amazon, Barnes and Noble pretty much anywhere where books are sold online, and it's hardcover paperback and Kindle ebook version. I would love to come out with an audio book as well, next year sometime. So yeah, October 19. is the official release date.
Katelyn:
Awesome. And where can everybody get connected with you and just get into your world and everything that you're doing beyond the book?
Justine:
Yeah. So my website is justinesloan.com and everything is linked there- the different ways to work with me connect with me. And then my favorite social media platform right now is Instagram, I definitely hang out there the most. And my handle on there is @justinesloan
Katelyn:
Cool. We'll link everything in the show notes to keep it super easy. Thank you so much. This has just been such a pleasure talking to you. Do you have any final words of wisdom that you want to drop into this community before you leave?
Justine:
Yeah, I would just say, you know, everything we talked about today is like step by step, deciding to I don't want to say do the work because I always use that. But you know, going deeper and really, I think there's always an opportunity for us to grow and unlock more levels of joy and authenticity in our lives. And you know, asking ourselves like What does not feel aligned right now and what would I like to be experiencing instead, I would just say you're absolutely worthy of having the life you desire. And you're absolutely worthy of feeling amazing in all areas of your life and don't settle until you get there because I settled for so many years. And I'm so thankful that eventually I said no more on in a really started piece by piece doing this worked to unravel all of the old garbage and you know, clutter and really seeking a life that makes me feel so much more aligned with who I am who I came here to be.
Katelyn
Powerful. Thank you so much.
Justine:
Thank you so much. It is always such a such a joy, connecting with you.